This speaks to the women out there who maybe can relate to this post. Understand, fellas, this is not to male bash you in anyway, it’s to show how some of you men can be.
If you and your man are contemplating marriage, and you’ve reached a point in your relationship where you are ready to take that next step, ask yourself, “Is he worth me spending the rest of my life with?” I say this for many reasons. We have to first think about the relationship as a whole and not just the individual themselves. Has being with the man you are with warranted you wanting to share the rest of your life with him? Of course, no relationship is perfect, but people have to remember that if you’re going to get involved with someone, you have to work together as a team to make it work. It should not be the woman being the only one working hard to hold it together, being responsible for every detail that goes into it, building it up, and make it what it should be. If a man is making her work harder than she needs to at a relationship he is not contributing to, he’s got no business being with her.
Here are some things to ask yourself if you are thinking about marrying the man you’re with:
- How does he act when he gets mad?
- Does he get mean and nasty?
- Does he hit you every time you make a mistake?
- Is communication between you bad?
- Does he constantly throw the past in your face reminding you of your past mistakes on a regular basis?
- Does he use your past against you for his own mental gain?
- Do you find yourself walking on pins and needles afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing?
- Does he find comfort in hurting your feelings?
- Does he make you feel mediocre in your relationship?
- Does he brush you off when you suggest outdoor activities (i.e., movies, dining out, taking a drive, etc.), but is quick to attend family functions or hang out with his friends when they call him?
- Does he threaten you about leaving because you are not conforming to his ideal way of living?
- Does he question you every time you come home late from work?
- Does he tell you where you can and cannot go and who you can and cannot hang out with?
- Does he limit what you can do?
- Does he scrutinize how much money you spend?
- Does he show signs of insecurities every time you do not call home to report your every move when you’re not at home?
- Does he keeps sex from you as his way of trying to teach you a lesson?
- Does he criticize your looks, call you fat, make you feel ugly about yourself?
- Does he tell you what you can and cannot wear?
- Is he critical of the way you dress?
Cutting you down is some men’s way of feeling good about themselves. It fuels their own insecurities and gives them the inner feeling that you are supposed to be with him because he’s made you believe that no one else will want you. An ex-boyfriend told me that coming home from dinner, and our relationship started failing right after that.
Some of these men have no clue what it means to be in a relationship. And for those who claim they do, and who are veterans at the game, have seem to forgotten what it means to maintain the value and foundation of the strength a relationship is built on. If he finds comfort in treating you any way he pleases without consideration for your feelings and the scars it leaves behind, one after another, instead of treating you like the true woman you are in his life, the way you should be treated, and show you the same level of respect he wants you to show him, AND cannot put you on the throne next to him where you should be sitting, listen up, he is not worth the paper his birth certificate is printed on or the air he breathes. He is a wasted piece of space.
Case Scenario: I left my phone on my desk at work. I totally panicked! I left the salon and drove back to work to get it, but the building was closed and security had already gone. My boyfriend got angry and started talking badly to me about it, even though I told him exactly what happened. I didn’t think to call from the salon because I knew I could get my phone when I went back to the office. When I couldn’t get into the office, and no one would let me use their phone, I went to pick up my daughter who told me my boss had my phone because she picked up the call when my daughter tried calling me. He asked how did I know she had my phone? He talked to her too…but he did not call my daughter to let her know where my phone was either. I picked up my phone from my bosses house, texted him I had it, and left it at that. I thought all was fine. Instead he implied I was not where I told him I was and accused me of lying about picking up my daughter and about her working, and said he had not heard from me in seven hours. He said I was full of sh*t and called me a f*cking liar, threw up old past issues in my face, made me cry by hurting my feelings badly. I did not know I had to report to him every hour. Makes me insecure of wanting to leave the house to do anything now. And now he is not speaking to me in an apartment he does not help pay for. Is this what I really want to marry into?”
I consulted with two of my colleagues to get some outside advice on the above case scenario and was told by them both at different times that it’s a clear case of insecurity. The reaction to leaving the phone was a valid response and she had done everything in her power to get a hold of her phone, and the boss acted within her rights of making sure her family knew where her phone was and how to get it. He acted unfairly. His concern should have been that she was ok, and nothing happened to her in the process of getting her phone back. She arrived to pick up her daughter safely, picked up her phone, and arrived home safely. His priorities are clearly displaced.
A man who gets mean and nasty because his woman is not following his rules is not a man to be with on any level. Think twice about marrying him and remind yourself that this is somebody you plan on being with for the rest of your life. Do you want the mental abuse that is going to come with it knowing he gets like that? And what if he beats you? Do you want to marry someone who has a history of domestic abuse? These are things that we as women have to consider when we are talking about marrying the man we are with. I don’t care how long you have been with him. One year. Three years. Five years. Ten years. It does not matter. My boyfriend and I have been together going on 19 years. In either case, abuse is abuse. There is no pretty silver lining to it.
A man who can use sex as a weapon, hold sex against you, keep sex from you because you did something he did not like is a poor excuse of a man, too. You could have forgotten to pick up taco sauce. You may have forgotten to drop a bill payment in the mail. You may have forgotten to pick up mail from the post office. You could have forgotten to take something out for dinner. You could have gotten home later than expected and forgot to call to let him know. You could have gone out with friends without telling him you were going out. Whatever the case may be, some men can act like total ass holes when they don’t get their way and when you don’t keep them in the loop of everything. And as women who love our men, we let them do this to us. Why? For some it’s because they are holding on to a history, an excuse that says I have known him half of my life and we have gone through so much that we have always managed to work things out. Or it is because we know how to handle it without it causing too much of a riff in our lives. But really? Let’s call it what it is mental abuse which continues throughout the course of the relationship. Nothing’s changed. He’s not changed his ways but damn sure wants you to change to please him. It’s all one-sided and will remain unless we as women do not use the power we have to change it.
Let me tell you, I love my boyfriend with all my heart, but I am trying to move forward in my life. I can’t move forward if I have to be constantly reminded of what my mistakes in the past have been. Before getting back in the house together the agreement was we were living for the future — moving forward. We were moving forward from the past and leaving the past where it is…in the past. But his problem is every time he gets mad that’s the first thing he does…throw up the past in my face. every time I ask about doing something together, he snaps off at me, or brushes me off, or just says NO.
When he’s mad at me for whatever reason he gets mean and nasty, and talks to me badly and any kind of way. Finds comfort in hurting my feelings and will tell me he does not apologize for hurting my feelings. I can’t talk to him about activities because the first thing he does it snap off at me. So I am back to feeling alone in this relationship. Now, we are talking about marriage, but I am now asking myself if that is something I really want to do knowing this is his demeanor. To get mean and nasty every time there’s a slip up or every time I ask to go somewhere. I am back to living in a box which is the one thing I did not want. But let me get mad at him. I don’t disrespect him. I don’t talk bad to him. I don’t cuss him out. I don’t call him out of his name. In fact, I leave the room or I leave the apartment altogether and get into my car and go for a drive just to let things cool down.
In 2011 we had our first fight over juice. This is the first time I’m openly speaking about the incident. Tensions had been boiling for quite some time. The pressure of being the sole provider of the household had taken its tole on me and is still taking its tole on me. But back then it was bad. And when he called me stupid because I exchanged the juice he said he could not drink, and he got mad about it…I called him stupid back and a few choice other words and slammed the door on him as he was on his way out. He came in the house and came at me when my back was turned. He hit me I slapped him…it got ugly. We struggled. We crashed to the floor, I broke my glasses and a bracelet I had. Ripped off one of my nails, had bruises. It scared my daughter so that she ran out the house barefoot. I had to run and find her and have a friend come and pick her up who kept her until later that night. We were both to blame for that. But I put most of the blame on him because he had done nothing to find a way to financially help me that could have avoided that whole ugly scene. I lost my job four months later. And he still did nothing to help me.
He apologized to the heavens for the fight, that he was so sorry and that it would never happen again. Even so, the scar is still there and I can’t help but hold on to that memory. It’s not happened since, true. But since then I know the tendencies are there and I do not want to provoke it. Do I trust he will never ever do it again? Yes and No. He is a man. I leave room open believing that anything is possible with a man, especially him.
We have a history, yes, but I am more than willing to drop it all and move on without him because I can’t take the mental abuse that is going to come with marrying him; having to watch every move I make, not wanting to go anywhere thinking he is not going to believe I am where I say I am, having to report to him every hour of where I am and what I am doing. I find that I have to find a life outside of him because he is not contributing to moving us forward, and even that can be met with insecure consequences. And I can’t help but to think that something is wrong with me. Perhaps not attractive enough, perhaps not what he wants anymore, perhaps just wants to live on me without having to do too much of anything, which is not what we discussed moving back in the house together. I feel my self-esteem slowly slipping away again.
This is the level of thinking the past few months have moved me to. I love him, but again, I am also thinking is this what I want to marry into. Too, I think he takes advantage of the fact I have nowhere to go and no one to talk to which leaves me vulnerable and pushes me to an emotional state of being to where I find myself thinking this is all that I have.
When a woman wakes up and decides to move on, he better watch out and stand clear because that woman is coming out swinging, and she’s not going to stop until she’s got the freedom she wants.
What men do not understand is we were not put on earth for their sole purpose to control us, mistreat us, and mentally and physically abuse us. They seem to think they can get away with doing whatever it is they want to do, which is why I say there is something much more out there than dealing with a dead beat ass man who can’t give you anything but BS. It’s just not worth it. My daughter dated a man who told her, “If you can’t buy groceries, you can pack your shit and leave.” On another occasion he told her, “If I can’t spend your birthday with you and we do couples things, you can pack up and get out.” The third time he told her that was just before Valentines day on the eve of their one-year anniversary, and she politely obliged him. She packed up her clothes and moved out. The things she left he told her she could come get whenever she could now he is holding them hostage. This is the stupidity of man’s thinking. Just proving that he wants to exercise his right to have a tail between his legs. It pisses me off.
You kind of have to understand why there are those women who refuse to be bothered with a man just to avoid the emotional rollercoaster they like to take them on. For the most part it makes no sense especially if the woman is not deserving of such bad behavior. Even the women who come from nothing do not deserved to be mistreated even if that’s all they know. All women are deserving of love and affection, respect, and compassion. It’s some of these men who take advantage of their vulnerability. You men need to stop it!
So I say this, women, take control of your life! Use the power you have to bring about a better change in your life and secure your happiness. Be selfish about your needs and wants, and what you want out of relationship. If he can’t deliver, kick him to the curb and keep it moving. Happiness is not going to going to be gained with a man whose only purpose in your life is to keep you down and make you a slave to his own mental distruction. You are much stronger than that. You are woman, let man hear you roar!
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