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Coffee Room: Relationship Issues

This is the first relationship series of the Coffee Room Segment.  Let’s open the floor with some discussions on relationships.  Ladies and fellas, I want to hear from you.  My first topic is dealing with arguments and what makes them escalate to unspeakable levels?  My next topi of discussion will be on marriage — deciding to get married again and whether or not you making the right decision.  The third topic will be divorcing the other spouse and procrastinating.  Doesnt matter the order, and you can reply directly to this post or email me at apoeticflow@gmail.com and I will post your comment here.

Let’s go…

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Posted by on May 22, 2015 in Coffee Room

 

Relationships: He Wants to Marry You but Won’t Finalize the Divorce Papers from the Other Woman

I am going to open this up with a case scenario.  Who can relate to this?

Case Scenario:  He wants to marry her, but he is still technically married to his child’s wife — AND — they have been separated over 25 years with no legal separation or divorce ever being file. He has filed the divorce papers seven months after you filed your papers, and has an excuse every time she ask him why he hasn’t had her served.  He says, “I want to give her a courtesy call,” even though she knows the forms are coming and is welcoming them to sign them to finally be released from that one tie that binds them together.   She wonders why is he dragging his feet?  Why is he purposely staying connected to her?  The child is grown and living his own life, married, and about to start a family of his own.  His wife has long since moved on with her life, been involved in several relationships.  He keeps in close communication with her on social media networks and knows everything that goes on in her life that she posts.  It raises alarms with her and can’t speak on it because he snaps off at her every time.   She is thinking on how to handle this?  She wants to marry him but can’t compete with whatever it was he and his wife had.

I have a couple of questions about this.

My first question is why does he want to give his need-to-be ex-wife a courtesy call?  What the hell is that all about?  The two of them have been living separate lives for years now, not involved with each other except for the life and health of the child who is nearing his 30’s.  Their only level of communication should ONLY be about their son and nothing more.  Ok, maybe her health — and that’s it.  They should not be talking about the old days when they were together, how things were, how great their lives were, because if their lives were so great they would have never separated to begin with, right?

My second question is if he wants to marry her so much like he claims, why isn’t he breaking his neck to finally terminate that marriage?  He filed the papers.  Why is it going on two months that he has not served her?

This is pretty much like my situation.  My divorce will be final on July 29, 2015.  I became a heartless bitch when I filed the divorce papers.  I did not care what my soon-to-be ex-husband was going through in his life.  I wanted it done and over with.  I was nice enough to give him a chance to do this right, make it an equal process on both our parts, but then he wanted to act like the child that he is and stop communicating, and even his wife whom I reached out to woman to woman was totally and absolutely clueless.  So I pressed on, finished the process, had him served, and in April of this year I signed my final judgement papers and got my date when my divorce will be final.

Something like this I don’t mess around with.  Should I have done it sooner?  Of course, but this time the opportunity to divorce him presented itself and I jumped on it.  My guy is dragging his feet.

Me:  Have you talked to her?

Him:  No.  She’s been going through some stuff…Our son’s been sick…She’s been crying about stuff on Facebook…

I left the room.  It irritated me because it’s going on two months next months that his papers have been filed and he’s not had her served.  Me being me, I would not care except for their son being sick, but everything else, I would have overlooked what she’s going through and served her.  It is only going to drag on for another six months, then we’ll be in 2016 and still no divorce.  I will be a divorced woman waiting and waiting for him to get the brick out of his behind and serve her.  Me being divorced, I will be free to move on and find someone who will want to marry me, but do I really want to break in somebody new?  People are crazy now a days.

To add salt to the wound, he has not even told his mother and sister and the rest of his family.  My family knows…they knew right after he asked me.  I still have a huge problem with that.  I don’t have patience to wait, and yet my patience is constantly being tested.  I am going to see how long this goes and then decide what I want to do.

 
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Posted by on May 22, 2015 in Relationships

 

I’m Just Saying: When is it Enough

Ok.  So, you go through an argument.  You air out what the problem is or have been, or what is still going on.  You want it to be over with but he wants to drag it out.  You make yourself sick because now you’re thinking, “I did nothing wrong.”  But in his mind one mistake equates to everything you’ve done wrong in the past.  At some point you have to grow beyond what the issues were in the past otherwise no one can move forward in the relationship.  And unless you take a stand he is going to think he can keep treating you that way and making you feel like he’s always going to be in the right and you’re going to be wrong no matter what you do or say.

Life is too short to be bickering over petty stuff.  If you’re not cheating on each other, blowing your money on other people other than each other, loving and caring for other people other than each other, then somebody’s priorities are out of place.

When is it enough?  Nobody wants to walk around mad all day, not speaking to each other.  And even if you act like everything is OK between you, and the problem has not been open addressed, the problem is still going to be there because no one has said I’m sorry.  I said I was sorry and was told, “APOLOGY NOT ACCEPTED!”  So I was like, WTF!  It made me start to realize that perhaps this is not the life for me.  I cannot move myself forward if I am going to keep getting beat down by the past every time I make a mistake or forget to do something.  No one should have to go through that.  And it’s a clear sign that the person you’re with does not want to let the go of the past.

Case Scenario:  Sally came home one evening from work.  The bath towels were piled high in the laundry basket.  She was already planning on doing her laundry because she needed work clothes, and other things washed.  She pulled out everything and began sorting what she was going to wash including putting the towels in their own piles.  She scooped up the towels deciding to wash them first.  Her husband, for some reason or another decided to get involved — telling her how to gather up all the towels at once without dropping.  He did not like that she was laying them over her arm, which was making it easier for her.  He laid out one big towel and put the rest on top and took them out to the wash room.  Ok, she thought.  She grabbed the laundry soap and followed after him.  When she got to the washing machine where he had put the towels in, he went back inside then a few minutes later came back with some towels she forgot to grab out of the bathroom, snapping at her as she was putting the laundry soap in.  “You need to go and sit down…” taking the laundry soap away from her and telling her she forgot the towels.  Now she is wondering what happened in just that short period of time for him to have gotten short fused.  It irritated her tha she refused to speak to him the rest of the evening.

A few weeks later, she come home from work and saw that he had done laundry and had washed the bathroom towels.  Ironically, he left three towels hanging in the shower.  Sally’s first mind was to flip on him about it, but then she thought better of it and wanted to be the bigger person — not stooping to his level.  She left it alone, but thought about it the whole time — how she could have acted the way he had.

Was it just the towels that set him off?  Or was it something else?  Now these are just petty things that people can go through and it makes you wonder with some of these men what goes through their head when they act like this.

When do you think you’ve had enough of foolishness?  At what point do you say you can’t put up with the petty bickering?  At what point do you stand up and let him know you are not going to tolerate being his whipping post whenever he wants to get a bug up his ass and come at you with crap that can be easily be talked about like civil adults?  This will be my next topic of discussion in the Coffee Room Series, and fellas I will open the floor for you to chime in with your thoughts.  Stay tuned.

 
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Posted by on May 20, 2015 in I'm Just Saying

 

Relationships: Marrying Someone Who Gets Mean and Nasty Whenever They Get Angry

This speaks to the women out there who maybe can relate to this post.  Understand, fellas, this is not to male bash you in anyway, it’s to show how some of you men can be.

If you and your man are contemplating marriage, and you’ve reached a point in your relationship where you are ready to take that next step, ask yourself, “Is he worth me spending the rest of my life with?”  I say this for many reasons.  We have to first think about the relationship as a whole and not just the individual themselves.  Has being with the man you are with warranted you wanting to share the rest of your life with him?  Of course, no relationship is perfect, but people have to remember that if you’re going to get involved with someone, you have to work together as a team to make it work.  It should not be the woman being the only one working hard to hold it together, being responsible for every detail that goes into it, building it up, and make it what it should be.  If a man is making her work harder than she needs to at a relationship he is not contributing to, he’s got no business being with her.

Here are some things to ask yourself if you are thinking about marrying the man you’re with:

  1. How does he act when he gets mad?
  2. Does he get mean and nasty?
  3. Does he hit you every time you make a mistake?
  4. Is communication between you bad?
  5. Does he constantly throw the past in your face reminding you of your past mistakes on a regular basis?
  6. Does he use your past against you for his own mental gain?
  7. Do you find yourself walking on pins and needles afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing?
  8. Does he find comfort in hurting your feelings?
  9. Does he make you feel mediocre in your relationship?
  10. Does he brush you off when you suggest outdoor activities (i.e., movies, dining out, taking a drive, etc.), but is quick to attend family functions or hang out with his friends when they call him?
  11. Does he threaten you about leaving because you are not conforming to his ideal way of living?
  12. Does he question you every time you come home late from work?
  13. Does he tell you where you can and cannot go and who you can and cannot hang out with?
  14. Does he limit what you can do?
  15. Does he scrutinize how much money you spend?
  16. Does he show signs of insecurities every time you do not call home to report your every move when you’re not at home?
  17. Does he keeps sex from you as his way of trying to teach you a lesson?
  18. Does he criticize your looks, call you fat, make you feel ugly about yourself?
  19. Does he tell you what you can and cannot wear?
  20. Is he critical of the way you dress?

Cutting you down is some men’s way of feeling good about themselves.  It fuels their own insecurities and gives them the inner feeling that you are supposed to be with him because he’s made you believe that no one else will want you.  An ex-boyfriend told me that coming home from dinner, and our relationship started failing right after that.

Some of these men have no clue what it means to be in a relationship.  And for those who claim they do, and who are veterans at the game, have seem to forgotten what it means to maintain the value and foundation of the strength a relationship is built on.  If he finds comfort in treating you any way he pleases without consideration for your feelings and the scars it leaves behind, one after another, instead of treating you like the true woman you are in his life, the way you should be treated, and show you the same level of respect he wants you to show him, AND cannot put you on the throne next to him where you should be sitting, listen up, he is not worth the paper his birth certificate is printed on or the air he breathes.  He is a wasted piece of space.

Case Scenario:  I left my phone on my desk at work.  I totally panicked!  I left the salon and drove back to work to get it, but the building was closed and security had already gone.  My boyfriend got angry and started talking badly to me about it, even though I told him exactly what happened.  I didn’t think to call from the salon because I knew I could get my phone when I went back to the office.  When I couldn’t get into the office, and no one would let me use their phone, I went to pick up my daughter who told me my boss had my phone because she picked up the call when my daughter tried calling me.  He asked how did I know she had my phone?  He talked to her too…but he did not call my daughter to let her know where my phone was either.  I picked up my phone from my bosses house, texted him I had it, and left it at that.  I thought all was fine.  Instead he implied I was not where I told him I was and accused me of lying about picking up my daughter and about her working, and said he had not heard from me in seven hours.  He said I was full of sh*t and called me a f*cking liar, threw up old past issues in my face, made me cry by hurting my feelings badly.  I did not know I had to report to him every hour.  Makes me insecure of wanting to leave the house to do anything now.  And now he is not speaking to me in an apartment he does not help pay for.  Is this what I really want to marry into?”

I consulted with two of my colleagues to get some outside advice on the above case scenario and was told by them both at different times that it’s a clear case of insecurity.  The reaction to leaving the phone was a valid response and she had done everything in her power to get a hold of her phone, and the boss acted within her rights of making sure her family knew where her phone was and how to get it.  He acted unfairly.  His concern should have been that she was ok, and nothing happened to her in the process of getting her phone back.  She arrived to pick up her daughter safely, picked up her phone, and arrived home safely.  His priorities are clearly displaced.

A man who gets mean and nasty because his woman is not following his rules is not a man to be with on any level.  Think twice about marrying him and remind yourself that this is somebody you plan on being with for the rest of your life.  Do you want the mental abuse that is going to come with it knowing he gets like that?  And what if he beats you?  Do you want to marry someone who has a history of domestic abuse?  These are things that we as women have to consider when we are talking about marrying the man we are with.  I don’t care how long you have been with him.  One year. Three years. Five years.  Ten years.  It does not matter. My boyfriend and I have been together going on 19 years.  In either case, abuse is abuse.  There is no pretty silver lining to it.

A man who can use sex as a weapon, hold sex against you, keep sex from you because you did something he did not like is a poor excuse of a man, too.  You could have forgotten to pick up taco sauce.  You may have forgotten to drop a bill payment in the mail.  You may have forgotten to pick up mail from the post office.  You could have forgotten to take something out for dinner.  You could have gotten home later than expected and forgot to call to let him know.  You could have gone out with friends without telling him you were going out.  Whatever the case may be, some men can act like total ass holes when they don’t get their way and when you don’t keep them in the loop of everything.  And as women who love our men, we let them do this to us.  Why?  For some it’s because they are holding on to a history, an excuse that says I have known him half of my life and we have gone through so much that we have always managed to work things out.  Or it is because we know how to handle it without it causing too much of a riff in our lives.  But really?  Let’s call it what it is mental abuse which continues throughout the course of the relationship.  Nothing’s changed.  He’s not changed his ways but damn sure wants you to change to please him.  It’s all one-sided and will remain unless we as women do not use the power we have to change it.

Let me tell you, I love my boyfriend with all my heart, but I am trying to move forward in my life.  I can’t move forward if I have to be constantly reminded of what my mistakes in the past have been.  Before getting back in the house together the agreement was we were living for the future  — moving forward.  We were moving forward from the past and leaving the past where it is…in the past.  But his problem is every time he gets mad that’s the first thing he does…throw up the past in my face.  every time I ask about doing something together, he snaps off at me, or brushes me off, or just says NO.

When he’s mad at me for whatever reason he gets mean and nasty, and talks to me badly and any kind of way.  Finds comfort in hurting my feelings and will tell me he does not apologize for hurting my feelings.  I can’t talk to him about activities because the first thing he does it snap off at me.  So I am back to feeling alone in this relationship.  Now, we are talking about marriage, but I am now asking myself if that is something I really want to do knowing this is his demeanor.  To get mean and nasty every time there’s a slip up or every time I ask to go somewhere.  I am back to living in a box which is the one thing I did not want.  But let me get mad at him.  I don’t disrespect him.  I don’t talk bad to him.  I don’t cuss him out.  I don’t call him out of his name.  In fact, I leave the room or I leave the apartment altogether and get into my car and go for a drive just to let things cool down.

In 2011 we had our first fight over juice.  This is the first time I’m openly speaking about the incident.  Tensions had been boiling for quite some time.  The pressure of being the sole provider of the household had taken its tole on me and is still taking its tole on me.  But back then it was bad.  And when he called me stupid because I exchanged the juice he said he could not drink, and he got mad about it…I called him stupid back and a few choice other words and slammed the door on him as he was on his way out.  He came in the house and came at me when my back was turned.  He hit me I slapped him…it got ugly.  We struggled. We crashed to the floor, I broke my glasses and a bracelet I had.  Ripped off one of my nails, had bruises.  It scared my daughter so that she ran out the house barefoot.  I had to run and find her and have a friend come and pick her up who kept her until later that night.  We were both to blame for that. But I put most of the blame on him because he had done nothing to find a way to financially help me that could have avoided that whole ugly scene. I lost my job four months later.  And he still did nothing to help me.

He apologized to the heavens for the fight, that he was so sorry and that it would never happen again.  Even so, the scar is still there and I can’t help but hold on to that memory.  It’s not happened since, true.  But since then I know the tendencies are there and I do not want to provoke it.  Do I trust he will never ever do it again?  Yes and No.  He is a man.  I leave room open believing that anything is possible with a man, especially him.

We have a history, yes, but I am more than willing to drop it all and move on without him because I can’t take the mental abuse that is going to come with marrying him; having to watch every move I make, not wanting to go anywhere thinking he is not going to believe I am where I say I am, having to report to him every hour of where I am and what I am doing.  I find that I have to find a life outside of him because he is not contributing to moving us forward, and even that can be met with insecure consequences.  And I can’t help but to think that something is wrong with me.  Perhaps not attractive enough, perhaps not what he wants anymore, perhaps just wants to live on me without having to do too much of anything, which is not what we discussed moving back in the house together.  I feel my self-esteem slowly slipping away again.

This is the level of thinking the past few months have moved me to. I love him, but again, I am also thinking is this what I want to marry into.  Too, I think he takes advantage of the fact I have nowhere to go and no one to talk to which leaves me vulnerable and pushes me to an emotional state of being to where I find myself thinking this is all that I have.

When a woman wakes up and decides to move on, he better watch out and stand clear because that woman is coming out swinging, and she’s not going to stop until she’s got the freedom she wants.

What men do not understand is we were not put on earth for their sole purpose to control us, mistreat us, and mentally and physically abuse us.  They seem to think they can get away with doing whatever it is they want to do, which is why I say there is something much more out there than dealing with a dead beat ass man who can’t give you anything but BS.  It’s just not worth it.  My daughter dated a man who told her, “If you can’t buy groceries, you can pack your shit and leave.”  On another occasion he told her, “If I can’t spend your birthday with you and we do couples things, you can pack up and get out.”  The third time he told her that was just before Valentines day on the eve of their one-year anniversary, and she politely obliged him.  She packed up her clothes and moved out.  The things she left he told her she could come get whenever she could now he is holding them hostage.  This is the stupidity of man’s thinking.  Just proving that he wants to exercise his right to have a tail between his legs.  It pisses me off.

You kind of have to understand why there are those women who refuse to be bothered with a man just to avoid the emotional rollercoaster they like to take them on.  For the most part it makes no sense especially if the woman is not deserving of such bad behavior.  Even the women who come from nothing do not deserved to be mistreated even if that’s all they know.  All women are deserving of love and affection, respect, and compassion.  It’s some of these men who take advantage of their vulnerability.  You men need to stop it!

So I say this, women, take control of your life!  Use the power you have to bring about a better change in your life and secure your happiness.  Be selfish about your needs and wants, and what you want out of relationship.  If he can’t deliver, kick him to the curb and keep it moving.  Happiness is not going to going to be gained with a man whose only purpose in your life is to keep you down and make you a slave to his own mental distruction.  You are much stronger than that.  You are woman, let man hear you roar!

 
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Posted by on May 18, 2015 in Relationships

 

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Hair: Series on At-Home Relaxers

Hey, ladies, this is for all of you.  So, I have been doing a series of posts on relaxing hair after you dye your hair using Clairol Tones and Textures.  I have not done a post on just relaxing the hair at home.  This is for anyone who has never had a relaxer, but is contemplating getting one for the first time, and want to do it at home.  I am going to give you a list of different products you can use, best tools you’ll need, and how to press out your newly relaxed here after a trim.

Hair7-22-14Relaxing your hair at home is serious business and there are many risks involved that MUST be considered.  First of all, I have been wearing a relaxer since I was a teenager.  I am now 47, and I love the freedom that comes with wearing a relaxer, however, if you are not careful, you can run into issues such as experiencing damaged hair from over processing, not trimming, and general recklessness such as not keeping your hair moisturized, not protecting the ends, excessive heat, these are major factors that come into play when not practicing good hair care.

Now, this is my hair done on 7/22/14, one month after I had recently visited my hair stylist.  Practicing good hair care means keeping the ends oiled, the scalp lightly oiled, tying my hair up at night, washing it once every week or every other week.

Tying your hair up every night makes a difference.  It can prevent breakage.  And using daily hair are products that don’t weight your hair is ideal.  I tend to like using coconut oil because it’s light and I can use it every other day without it being heavy.

In this picture I pressed out my hair and followed it up with a flat iron, specifically to bump the ends for a simple style.  The one thing you don’t want to do is use heat on an every day basis.  And you want to use heat protectant serums.

Of course it looks healthy and fresh that is because for the past two years I have been practicing good hair care to avoid having my hair wacked off because I was careless.

Having a good diet also makes a huge difference, too.  Drinking plenty of water, and getting your daily dose of vitamins can contribute to healthy hair.

I started my Biotin journey on 9/1/14 because I am ready to take that challenge to having longer and healthier hair.

I am starting out with 1000mcg because it’s easier on my system.  I drink plenty of water.  I take two in the evening before I go to bed.  I heard or read somewhere that it’s better to take your vitamins in the evening because they tend to work better, of course, the normal working order is to take them early in the morning when you get up.  Either way, practicing good hair care with a relaxer is important and something you should take into consideration when considering a relaxer.

You have to mentally prepare yourself for a relaxer because of the chemical factor that’s involved.  It’s not something you can just jump into.  you have to determine if whether or not your skin is sensitive to the chemicals.  Not everyone can take a relaxer of any strength.  The next thing is to decide what relaxer product to use.  This being your first relaxer, you will be considered getting a virgin relaxer, whereas you will have to pull the relaxer cream through to the tips of your ends.  NOTE:  YOU WILL NEED TO BE SURE TO GET A TRIM IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING THE RELAXER, ESPECIALLY IF THIS IS YOU FIRST RELAXER EVER.

qp-elasta-new-lookFirst you have to decide what product to use.  There are lost of relaxers on the marker, Hawaiian Silk, Dark & Lovely, TCB, Elasta QP, and many more.  My favorite is, and is the one I have used over 20 years is Elasta QP, the Regular/Normal formula.  It’s a no base creme relaxer, that leaves your hair silky smooth.  Like any other cream relaxer, you have to follow the instructions carefully.

The strand test will determine two things:

  1. If you are sensitive to the chemicals
  2. Determines the time frame to how long you should leave the relaxer on your hair (i.e., how long it takes to straighten your hair.)

If you discover that you are sensitive to the chemicals, it is highly recommended that you do not use the product.  If the strand test is successful, and you have determined the time frame to process, move forward.

Use an oil or Vaseline at the edges of your hair and ears, and the back of your neck to protect your skin.  Use a protein complex on your hair prior to applying the relaxer.  Blow dry it in and wait five to ten minutes before applying the relaxer.  Section your hair in fours, start from the back or from the area that tends to be the most coarse.  Elasta QP has different formulas, so use the one that works best for your hair.  Always use a shampoo and conditioner that provides protein and a moisturizer that protects against breakage and damage.  Use the protein complex between shampoo and conditioning.  Let it sit on your hair for about ten minutes, rinse then condition.

20140905_184039-1BThis is my hair after I retouched my relaxer on 8/22/14.  Sometimes there are circumstances that arise where the need to do our hair at home becomes more necessary than we care to admit.  Sometimes, too, it just can’t be helped.  So, when this need arises, being prepared is extremely important.  You have to have the right products and tools available in order to do the job correctly.

  1. Before and after protein complex
  2. Relaxer
  3. Protein and moisturizing shampoo and conditioner
  4. Hair oil
  5. Good flat iron and/or pressing comb
  6. Heat protectant serum
  7. Wide tooth comb
  8. Finishing spray (I use Finisheen)
  9. Satin scarf

If you are relaxing your hair after you have dyed it, you MUST wait two full weeks and one shampoo and conditioning before relaxing your hair.  You can wait longer if you like, but it’s important that you wait at least two weeks.  It’s easy to over process your hair if you are not careful.  Over processing can cause damage that can only be repaired by going to see a professional stylist who knows what to do to reverse the damage.

biosilk

Biosilk is good for flat ironing hair.  It is really good especially after you relax your hair.  It’s on the expensive side, but it gives you your money’s worth.

They have an exquisite line that does the job in serving up healthy hair, that’s if you want to spend the money.  IC has a serum that is equally good in terms of protecting your hair during the flat ironing and/or pressing process.  Me being me, I press my hair out, the follow it up with the flat ironing, and that is when I use the serum.  You may do your hair differently…depends on what your preference is.dove-color-care

Let’s talk other shampoos and conditioners.  Dove recently came out with a formula that is good for women with colored hair.  I was shocked when I saw it on the market.  Thing about that is, it doesn’t stay on the shelves long.  You’d be surprised at how many women have colored hair, not to mention the price fits your budget and doesn’t cost you an arm and a leg.  Now when they come out with one for women with perms, believe me, I’ll be all over it.  I was buying their colored hair formula because my daughter and I had colored hair.  But since the color has completely grown out of my hair, I use the repair and moisturizing formulas.  Works just fine for me.

300For my ends and scalp treatments, I use coconut oil and Palmer’s Olive Oil Gro Therapy.  I told my daughter about it and she picked up some for her hair.  This oil is light, however, continued daily use can cause a buildup over time, so be sure to wash her your hair every week or every other weekend, depending on your preference.  Me being me, I don’t like my hair to be weighted so I wash it every week.  I use the coconut oil on my scalp and the Gro Therapy on my ends.

Makes my hair look and feel healthy.

Now, if you’re going to relax your hair at home, remember you have to have a trim.  I usually have my hair trimmed every relaxer visit, which is every 6 – 8 weeks.  Let me clarify, too, that I can wait one relaxer retouch to have my hair trimmed rather than every relaxer visit — or I may just want the ends cleaned up and shaped rather than getting a regular trim.  And since you are doing your relaxer at home, you have to know how to give yourself a trim after you have finished relaxing your hair and you’ve flat ironed (or pressed) it out.  Experts will tell you to trim your hair after every relaxer, but I say to use your best judgement going into the process.

If you are not sure about how to go about trimming your hair, you can always go out and have it done or read the article A Simple Guide to Trimming Hair:  Wet or Dry.  This gives you step by step instructions on how to trim your hair, which is a really good read.  I like her approach to trimming hair.  There are different articles online about trimming hair, I just happen to like this one.

One thing I have to point out, too, is not all stylist know how to trim hair, and often confuse a trim with a cut, and you may not even need a trim,  thus finding your hair shorter than when you came in.  If this happens to you, demand your money back.  Also, there are do’s and don’ts videos on Youtube to trimming your hair which are very informative.

finisheen_3Finishing up.  Once you have come to the tail end of finishing your hair, decide if you want to use finishing spray to seal the deal.  I have been using Finisheen since I was 20 (and I’m 47 now).  My hair seems to love it to this day.  You can find it at many beauty supply stores.  If you buy it online, you should not spend $25 for it because that is just highway robbery.  I buy the tall can because it tends to last for a while and I don’t have to buy it again for some time.  You don’t need a lot, and it tends to work really good if you’re using a curling iron.

SAM_2757To give you an idea on the journey my hair has been on, this is when my hair was colored back in 2011.  I had stopped going to this stylist who was scissor and heat happy, and thought excessive heat in blowing drying the hair and burning the scalp was healthy, and by chopping off more than 2 inches of your hair was considered a trim.  So not cool!!!   Remember, all it takes is one moment of being careless, and your healthy hair can go from looking like this, to looking like a complete mess.

Doing your hair at home can be achieved successfully as long as you have the important tools to complete the process.  If necessary, use a check list just to be sure you have everything you need, including a satin scarf to tie your hair up every night.  You should be able to comb and go if you do it right.

So, there it is ladies.  I hope this post has been as informative as it has been for me putting it together for you.  I am always asked about relaxing hair at home and relaxer hair after it’s been dyed.  Like I said, even though it can be achieved, you have to make sure you have all of the tools to make it possible.

In closing, drink plenty of water, eat right, stay stress free, and practice good hair care and your hair will love you back for sure.  If you are still unsure about relaxing your hair at home and you live in Los Angeles, I can put you in touch with my stylist who is phenomenal.  Talk about someone who knows hair…she knows hair and will tell you everything you need to know about what’s wrong and what’s good about your hair.  If you don’t want a trim, she won’t give you a trim.  She won’t strong arm you into getting your hair trimmed.  She is the kind of stylist that listens to what the client wants and will do everything humanly possible to meet that request.

She is very affordable, charging $65 for a relaxer and includes the trim (if needed and wanted).  If you just want her to flat iron your hair, last time it was $35, not sure what it is now since I go for the full treatment.  If you just want a wash and condition, it was $50 last time I had it done without the relaxer.  It may be $55, but you can ask her.

This is my take on doing your relaxer at home.  Remember the do’s and don’ts and you should be fine.  But remember, if you are still uncomfortable, there is nothing wrong with letting a professional do it.

Cheers.

 

 
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Posted by on September 6, 2014 in Hair at Home

 

Life After the Divorce

In the past year I have read a lot about people getting divorces and what people go through.  My view on divorces is that it depends on the individuals as to how it impacts them and their family as a whole.  One thing we have to remember when children are caught in the middle is they did not ask to be here, nor could they choose their parents and how their lives was going to go.  It’s important to them for us to act like grown adults and civilized human beings so as to not unintentionally cause them to develop a hatred towards their parents.

The one thing that irks me is when women who are working, making good money, providing a good life for their children is to go after the father for child support in a way that seems almost vengeful.  Especially if the father is already doing his part in providing for the children without question or doubt.  If you are working, making good money, providing medical, vision and dental for your kids, and you yourself is doing very well…is the child support from him all that important?  Do you really need to take yourself through the mental stress of having a child support order put into place because — for a lack of a better term — to make him do what he’s already doing and you just want to be a bitch and make his life a living hell?  Why?  I commend those women who are strong enough to say, “I can do this without you,” and they do.  I know, because I did.  Being self-sufficient and independent has taught me not to depend on man for nothing because as we know man can fail you every time.

I am not saying I’m winning the Mother of the Year award because I’ve had my faults, too, but what I am saying is I had the sense to know I wanted better for my daughter and giving her better meant taking her from one element and putting her in an environment that allowed her to grow and thrive.  Child support from a man who never kept a job long enough to save his soul was not worth me going through the headache especially with me working to provide for her her and myself.

Divorce, to me, is a get out of jail free card.  An escape from one extreme to another.  It’s an opportunity to find yourself, rebuild your life, become a better person to those who have supported you throughout the whole relationship.  It’s a time to reflect on where it is you don’t want to go to where it is you want to be, and once you can honestly sit down and say I have survived, then, and only then can you look yourself in the mirror and say “I have arrived.”

Life after a divorce does not mean life is over.  There is no time for being bitter, hateful, and angry.  Because when you think about why the marriage went sour anyway, you will eventually come to realize just how much of a better place you are in.  The question you have to ask yourself is if you divorce him would you go back and why?

I was separated from my husband from April 1996 up until about 2008 when I learned he had remarried.  Now the thing about that is, I did not have a problem with him remarrying, the problem is I never saw a divorce decree.  He knew where I lived to get information from me to file the divorce and wait for it to be finalized, but in this situation, I could not get him to tell me where or when he was divorced or remarried.  And his wife was just as clueless to the information she should have been privy to.  I spent considerable amount of time looking for a copy of the divorce decree to be on file, but to no avail, there was no record in three counties or two states and I ended up having to file the divorce papers recently to finalize the dissolution of this marriage to make his marriage legal.  I didn’t want to his wife to bear the stupidity of him not doing his job as a man making sure their marriage was legal.  And even though I could not get her to do her job as a woman and make him find the documents or go back to where he claimed to have file to see if it was even finalized.  What irritates me is I am still cleaning up his mess!

I could have made his life miserable by filing bigamy charges, but why?  Regardless of how I feel, I really did not want to do that to his wife.  She has nothing to do with our past relationship and to take her through that would have been wrong and unfair.  So I just let it be and filed.

As much as I hated to have to do his job — having gotten a fee waiver — I feel at peace.  This is a chapter finally closed in my life and I don’t have to worry about it any more, and I can move on with my future plans.

And this should be the same for everybody getting a divorce.  Think about how you want to live going forward.  Think about if whether or not you want to maintain a friendship and what are the benefits to a friendship after marriage are.  It can work both ways, like I said, it depends on the individuals.

The financial aspects coming out of a divorce seem to weigh heavy because it is one of those things not easily agreed on.  I’ve sat through proceedings where the financial outcome was argued to the point where the parties were nasty towards each other and there were children caught in the middle.  Sad.  And I know that when women are coming through a divorce, it’s a difficult time and they wonder how will they survive going forward.  I have heard where there are women who are forced to work for the first time and it’s coping through the change that is the most challenging.

I saw what divorce did to my mother and I promised myself that if I ever went through a divorce or any kind of breakup that I would be strong and have the mental capacity to come through it.  I did not want it to define my day-to-day life or impact my quality of life.  If we let it define who we are, we are not able to function as human beings thus turning to other contributors that block us from the reality that is supposed to teach us how to live for a better day.

Divorce, is some minds, means be mean and unforgiving.  I’m sorry, but I don’t it says that in the Bible, so why act that way towards each other?  Tomorrow is another day and should be the first day of the rest of your life.  If you can survive the masses with him/her, then do so.  It’s not worth the time it takes to be hurtful.

 
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Posted by on September 5, 2014 in Relationships

 

You Can, But She Can’t…What Gives!

Ok, so here’s another rant — I want to make something clear here because I honestly don’t think people in relationships are getting it.  Fellas, you can’t tell your woman she can’t go buy a pair of shoes when you turn around and go by — say — a new cell phone or some other gizmo.  Especially when her shoes were only going to cost no more than $30, way less than some of the divas I know out there be spending on one pair of shoes.  Me?  I don’t know what it’s like to spend over $100 on shoes.  When I was younger and single, I did because it was just me and I didn’t have anyone to answer to.  In today’s economy, how we spend money has changed tremendously and it’s been a self teaching lesson that tells us what we can and cannot do, and how to be logical in our spending.

So, if I want to go spend $25 on a pair of shoes because I have upcoming appointments and my old shoes have worn out, don’t tell me I can’t when you are about to spend the same amount of money on something you know good and well you don’t need right now.  I understand if it’s something you’ve been talking about for months, but if your woman is the breadwinner and she’s busting her butt to go to work, or get back into the workforce, you have to meet her half way and in return she will do the same without question.

I find that some couples today still do not know what it means to work together.  He’s telling her everything she can’t do, while he doing everything he’s telling her not to do.  Bottom line is there’s no equal compromising in the relationship and someone is bound to be irritated by it before long (i.e., your woman).

Too, you can’t sit on your money and expect her to pay all the bills while you are the only one having fun doing whatever you want to do while she has to pick and choose, and get permission for whatever it is she wants to do.  You are going to put a wedge between you that you are not going to be able to remove.

When it gets to the point she has to start sneaking things into the house that she’s gone out and bought, there is definitely a problem and unless the two of can communicate her needs versus your needs, and who meets them, and how they are met, that is going to be one problem that is going to escalate to a point to where someone is bound to call it quits.  You cannot control what she can and cannot do if she is not doing it anyway.  Let her have a little freedom after she’s paid the bills, cooked all your meals, gave you good sex, and took care of house and home.  She’ll love you forever.

 
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Posted by on September 3, 2014 in Relationships

 
 
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